But it's been been calling me back. It's always been easier to write and work out my feelings that way than to think and have to juggle it all in my head. I need to know it's on paper and once it is, I can relax because I don't have to hold it anymore. It's safe, and in print.
I think that many times, people look at other people through the lens of their Facebook page, Instagram account or, now that I am the mother of a child with a phone, their snapchat blah blah whatever. And other people's lives can look pretty darn good, even cover-worthy when all you see are smiling faces and beautiful dinners they've made and vacations they took.
I rarely post to Facebook anymore and even more seldomly post pictures of my kids because of a woman I vaguely know. She approached me in the supermarket one day last year and told me that she loved my blog and even though she really likes reading it, she almost always felt bad afterwards because she felt like her life didn't measure up.
I wanted to climb inside my shopping cart and hide my face. I was floored because I guess I always assumed that everyone knew that I always had dishes in the sink and that I never actually put away the folded laundry from the couch and that we really do not change the sheets on our beds often enough. At all. It's actually quite disgusting and I look back at my childhood and marvel at how my mother did the sheets every single Sunday. I honestly don't know how she did that; it takes us all day long to take the sheets off, wash them, dry them, put them back on the bed and then at least several more hours while we pretend that we think the other person will put the pillow cases back on the pillows and the blanket covers back on the blankets. It's an all day activity, all predicated on our not leaving the house because then who will move things from the washer to the dryer?
So after that, I really stopped blogging. And sharing. Because ugh, I didn't want to be that person that looked like she had it all together online when I never ever feel like I have it together. For goodness sake, I wear the same skirt every single day.
If I could talk to that woman today, I'd be sure to tell her all that, but I'd also tell her to never assume - because there is always always more to the story.
Everyone has a story that they might not be sharing with the whole world. We definitely have one.
We moved back to NJ from Florida this past summer and I've been driving my kids back and forth to school - a school that is far away-ish and the drive has been sucking the life out of me. Sometimes, I think all this sitting will literally be the end of me. As my excellent friend Jessica pointed out, "you know you're gonna die from all that sitting, right?" I know, Jess. I'm standing and typing right now.
The other half of me spends hours a day researching scoliosis and treatment options for my seven year old daughter. I've never named my kids on here before, but her name is Tani. And she's adorable. She gives me a run for my money more than I can ever possibly explain but I couldn't love her more if I tried.
We've known about Tani's scoliosis since her 5-year-old well check, and we've done it all to try and stop her curve from progressing. We went from Pilates to myofascial release, from a very inexpensive hanging bar in the doorway to a mucho-expensive scoliosis rehab program a bunch of states away. We went from doctor to doctor and have seen places of NJ that we'd rather never see again. Philadelphia too. And now, here we are.
When she was first diagnosed and we got an appointment with the doctor who literally invented the only new scoliosis surgery that has come out in the past 50 years, he told us that she was not a candidate for it because she was too young. Devastation.
He then told us that our best option was to have surgery for traditional growing rods. These rods will straighten out a spine and then are lengthened every six months until a child is grown, with surgery.
I thanked this very sweet and kind doctor, (so sweet and kind that he did not charge us for the consultation because we came in from out of town to see him and he was out-of network for us) and walked out of his office, trying not to vomit.
A few weeks later, that same doctor reached out and told me about a new surgery called Magec Rods (they are magnetic and quite magical, hence the name). This surgery is hugely amazing for kids with early-onset scoliosis. Instead of surgery every 6 months for years on end, these new rods are implanted once. They have a magnet attached to them and the rods can be lengthened from outside a child's body, via a second magnet that the doctor holds in his hands, every 4 months or so. Total game changer.
But here's the kicker. Two years ago, it wasn't available in the US.
Fast forward to now and it's been FDA approved (not that I put much stock in the FDA, but that's a whole other story) and available in the US. And we are super grateful that Tani is eligible for this surgery. Super-terrified because surgery. And hospitals. And hand sanitizer. I hate hand sanitizer. But also super-grateful.
So we're scheduled for June 3rd.
Lots to do before then.
I'm not ready and I'm not set, but it is go-time.
I hope you'll follow our story with us as it unfolds.